Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
