Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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