New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
