A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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