I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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