I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
