I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize