Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
