Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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