Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
