While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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