at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
