the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
