she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize