dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He told me they were just razor bumps!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
