I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
