i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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