You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
