Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
