My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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