I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dicks are not precious.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
