went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
whose parrot is this?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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