I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
