I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We left an ass print on the piano.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
