Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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