I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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