I am spending my child support on dildos
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
