i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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