Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
