hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
COCAINE IS GR8
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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