turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
