i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
