i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
