If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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