GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
