wrigley field is MILF paradise
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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