i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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