You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
