Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
