I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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