You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
