We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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