First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
