just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
