Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
