you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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