Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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