who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
