You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize