This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
