Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
