shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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