He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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