Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize