I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
These tits shall not be calmed
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
