im having a threesome with these popsicles
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize