If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
