The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
