the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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