She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
