I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
